What exactly do I need to focus on, since I have painted a pretty clear picture to myself as to what I don't need to work on?
And where/when/how do I start? (uh yeah, I am aware that I over analyze..)
I need to focus on what is right in front of me. In the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, in being present as I do.
I have been feeling uninspired since I decided to embark on this project. A little aimless. A little like after a summer away, a time of deepening my beliefs and discovering so much on a spiritual/grounded level, that, well, I am back in the rat race and its crazy and busy and my head hurts and, I feel a little lost again. Really lonely in the chaos that is, yet surrounded by other people. Like a lot of my flaws are out on display. Afraid. It's all kind of yucky.
Sometimes I wish I had a sign around my neck that told people to
please be nice I am having a hard day and sometimes my life really is super hard and I am doing my best to deal, and can't you please just give me a break.
or
Can't you understand that this IS my best?
or
Inside my heart it hurts and I struggle, please don't be mean to me
or
I need help, please.
or even
I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time and I am absorbed it my own problems. I don't mean to make yours worse for you.
DAMN IT I want to be the person who takes that into account for other people. I am going to work on remembering that we can't always see the signs other people are wearing. Or maybe we can, and we should take the time to read them and respond.
Sometimes its hard. I know, I know, hard for everyone and that knowlege gets me on some pity pot about how I have no right to feel bad because there is always someone who has had it worse and.. that issue is just gonna have to wait for another day. Back to my point. Sometimes its hard, and today was one of those days.
I was excited. Really really hoping and expecting a wonderful day. Class this morning was fun to teach, group was great, and then I went home to pick up the kiddos. Ha! And there it begins. Girls are exhausted from school and the ensuing social/academic/musical/athletic schedule (when the temps have been over 100 forever) that follows our lackadaisical summer travels. Let's face it, I am too. And it makes us cranky. Plus I haven't been feeling good, and I know I'm not the only one.
Free Day of Yoga, Dallas Kickoff. Beautiful yogis, instructors, vibe, loved taking pics there. Awesome my family decided to trek downtown with me to enjoy the museums, the yoga, the day as a family. D cries because she can't get her face painted. And pouts. C antagonizes. Jeff isn't feeling the zen vibe by the time... Delaney falls?! in the fountain. Yeah seriously. Its not a kids play in the fountain kind of fountain, either. And now she is even more upset and, point being, it was time to head. Over and out. Except it just continued. One of those days, and at least 3 of us had cried and then...then...
Both kids were in bed. Jeff and I were talking about someone's fb post, their rant about smiling people and that the world is really awful and that a lot of people are living in ignorance and then...Jeff said, "But when you smile you get more prana, right?" Wait what? Because he heard that in MY class. He actually paid attention and takes it seriously enough to process it and apply it? Wait what? How amazingly cool. Because I know he supports me, but, that's different that taking it in and applying it to himself, to his own beliefs and life. I am not doing this just for me. I'm doing it so I can help other people find their own way, too. I'm doing it for the people closest to me. And I love that he is on this journey with me.
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