108 Days... Day 6

Day 6

So if you know me at all, it will not surprise anyone that Day 6 is well, a few days after day 5.  I was going to try and catch up or back date stuff, but hey, this is about me, its about my own goals, insights and struggles.  So I'm putting it out there.

I struggle with consistency.  My whole life.  Not with focus, not with dedication or motivation, but with consistency.  Follow through.  Maybe its a fear of failure.  Maybe its laziness or  my ever present procrastination.  Perhaps it is the lack of self control I seem to possess.  I am not sure, but its something I am working on and exploring the root causes of so that I can overcome it.  Anyway, even if consistency for me isn't 108 days in a row, I am still committed.  And I am doing my best.  It might not be 108 consecutive days, as much as I want it to be, and as easy as that might seem for some people, but I am determined to finish this, to complete it, and to learn from it.

One of my goals has been to attend classes more regularly and I have been.  My goal is at least 3-5 classes I take a week, in addition to the ones I teach, observe or assist in.  Meditation, calming the monkey mind.  HA!  But even in this area I am starting to improve I think.  A regular meditation practice is what I strive for and I have actually made 2 Tuesday meditation classes in a row!  YAY!

I went to Mass on Sunday with the girls.  Albeit late.  However it was really a peaceful, joyful place to be.  It was just really nice and the girls behaved beautifully.  I got to spend Sunday afternoon with my family and some very beautiful yogis at the Free Day of Yoga Ft. Worth Kickoff.  The girls had been disastrous the day before, Jeff had been grumpy, it was still hot and we were just off.  So to have this beautiful Sunday was simply amazing.   I got to demo the class from well above the yogis on the lawn, so I had prime view to see how beautiful and amazing everyone was, how peaceful and intense and wonderful the entire day seemed then, and still seems in retrospect.  It was simply amazing.  Sivasana was well deserved and well, it was one of those that reminded me why I do yoga.  It was that yummy and I have been on a great yoga high (although totally sore from planks and warriors and chairs) ever since, that has faded but still lingers in a bit of a happy bliss, even with the migraine that just won't end.  Monday I got to be part of a free class at the studio teaching with 2 of my very fave people and it was awesome.  Totally beautiful, honest chant that melted my heart and brought me to tears.  The power and the love in that room was, well, it just was.  You had to be there.  Fortunately for me, I was.  Jeff was too.  My husband has been going out of his way to let me know he supports me.

So why the inconsistencies?  Is it because I am lazy?  Some days, yeah.  I certainly get bored and tire of things before I am done, and I have spent a lifetime leaving behind a disaster and letting others clean up the mess, both metaphorically and physically.  The irony in the is that now, I get to clean up after other people.   I wouldn't say I give up easily, because I certainly can be stubborn, but I do think I give up on myself, my own goals, projects and what not when they become boring or difficult, a lot easier than I have ever given up on my friends, family, the people I love the most and am so deeply loyal to.  I really don't give up on other people.  And maybe those other people are a distraction for me so I don't have to follow through on the commitments I make to myself.  So that i don't have to be accountable for and to myself.  Because it is in helping others that I catch an excuse for myself.  

Awareness.  It won't make me a bad friend.  In fact, I know that sometimes my "help" and my "saving" only gets in the way of anothers karma, of their own lessons, and then forces them to repeat their own suffering.  In this way, I am not being helpful at all, I am, instead, only adding to their pain.  What are my motivations behind what I do, and why and I helping? My own inability to look inward?  Guilt?  Control?  Or just because it needs to be done and I am willing and able to help.  Willing and able to lighten someone's load.