108 Days...Day 5

Ah what a day.  I think I think too much.  I know I do.  Its why I am spending this month reading and researching and teaching about the first chakra.  Because I need to be more grounded.  More focused.  Less worried about the popularity contest of life, less worried about the big picture, less worried about the time constraints and the (perceived) deadlines, less worried about failures pr the possiblility of and what...?
What exactly do I need to focus on, since I have painted a pretty clear picture to myself as to what I don't need to work on?
And where/when/how do I start?  (uh yeah, I am aware that I over analyze..)

 I need to focus on what is right in front of me.   In the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, in being present as I do.

I have been feeling uninspired since I decided to embark on this project.  A little aimless.  A little like after a summer away, a time of deepening my beliefs and discovering so much on a spiritual/grounded level, that, well, I am back in the rat race and its crazy and busy and my head hurts and, I feel a little lost again.  Really lonely in the chaos that is, yet surrounded by other people.  Like a lot of my flaws are out on display.  Afraid.  It's all kind of yucky.

Sometimes I wish I had a sign around my neck that told people to  

please be nice I am having a hard day and sometimes my life really is super hard and I am doing my best to deal, and can't you please just give me a break.   

or   

Can't you understand that this IS my best?   

or   

Inside my heart it hurts and I struggle, please don't be mean to me 

or

I need help, please.  

or even

I'm sorry.  I'm having a hard time and I am absorbed it my own problems.  I don't mean to make yours worse for you. 

DAMN IT I want to be the person who takes that into account for other people.  I am going to work on remembering that we can't always see the signs other people are wearing.  Or maybe we can, and we should take the time to read them and respond. 

Sometimes its  hard.  I know, I know, hard for everyone and that knowlege gets me on some pity pot about how I have no right to feel bad because there is always someone who has had it worse and.. that issue is just gonna have to wait for another day. Back to my point.  Sometimes its hard, and today was one of those days.

I was excited.  Really really hoping and expecting a wonderful day.  Class this morning was fun to teach, group was great, and then I went home to pick up the kiddos.  Ha!  And there it begins.  Girls are exhausted from school and the ensuing social/academic/musical/athletic schedule (when the temps have been over 100 forever) that follows our lackadaisical summer travels.  Let's face it, I am too.  And it makes us cranky.  Plus I haven't been feeling good, and I know I'm not the only one.

Free Day of Yoga, Dallas Kickoff.  Beautiful yogis, instructors, vibe, loved taking pics there.  Awesome my family decided to trek downtown with me to enjoy the museums, the yoga, the day as a family.  D cries because she can't get her face painted.  And pouts. C antagonizes.  Jeff isn't feeling the zen vibe by the time... Delaney falls?! in the fountain.  Yeah seriously.  Its not a kids play in the fountain kind of fountain, either.  And now she is even more upset and, point being, it was time to head.  Over and out.  Except it just continued.  One of those days, and at least 3 of us had cried and then...then...

Both kids were in bed.  Jeff and I were talking about someone's fb post, their rant about smiling people and that the world is really awful and that a lot of people are living in ignorance and then...Jeff said, "But when you smile you get more prana, right?"  Wait what?  Because he heard that in MY class.  He actually paid attention and takes it seriously enough to process it and apply it?  Wait what?  How amazingly cool.  Because I know he supports me, but, that's different that taking it in and applying it to himself, to his own beliefs and life. I am not doing this just for me.  I'm doing it so I can help other people find their own way, too.  I'm doing it for the people closest to me.  And I love that he is on this journey with me. 

108 days... Day 4

Tired with a busy weekend ahead.  Sometimes this journey is overwhelming. Of note, I think that these migraines are primarily sinus.  Not sure, since I seem to get them the most on Wednesdays but this one has lasted so long and as a result of my attempt here to be more aware, more present, and after long conversations with Jeff, embarking on a journey to be more healthy, to gain control of my health, our family's health, I am putting this on the forefront of my work list.  Health.  Because its worth it.  I'm worth it.  I'm a hell of a lot happier, nicer, and helpful to others when I am healthy. 

108 days... Day 3

Nothing much to post today.  Migraine day 2.  Yuck.  Don't know if it is stress (because I am), sinuses and allergies from the weather and the fires, or hormonal because its my period.  Any way you look at it, my head hurts really freakin bad!  So I taught a class today- totally wonderful class, and first week of a month long delve into muladhara  (1st) chakra with a really great group of women.  Excited to delve into this more thoroughly and see where my own knowlege goes and how deeply involved this group will get into the depths of our chakras.  One chakra focus per month and September is the first one.  Meditation was really about awareness of this chakra and I can build on it.  So excited.  Also led my first chant besides OM today in class and it was beautiful.  We chanted LAM (lum) for 3 minutes as it is the sound associated with this chakra.  Amazing.  Love love love teaching yoga and meditation.  Whenever it gets hard, whenever I don't like all the external focuses and problems with yoga, I need to come back to this.  I love to teach and I love to practice.  Everything else is just gravy.

108 days... Day 2

My Plan:  Get up and get the kids off to school.  Meditate outside on my bench while its still cool for 15 minutes.  Blog about it, get in the shower, and kick butt today- all before 9.

My reality:  Woke up with a migraine.  Wednesdays are my least favorite day of the week.  Seriously.  Its the hardest day to get up for, the hardest, longest work day and quite honestly, Wednesday migraines are not uncommon.  Uggg.

So anyway I woke up and felt like crap.  Was grumpy with the girls, who also were not feeling on top of the world this morning.  Not a mom of the year morning for sure.  And feeling bad about me starting their day off crappy too.  Anyway, after wasting an hour playing on the computer I finally decided it was time to go outside and meditate.  And it was hot and after 3 cups of coffee (rough morning, I told ya) my mind was racing and it wasn't  meditating.  I was sad sitting there missing my tree and my lovely meditation garden and it just overwhelmed me.  I totally miss my tree and the refuge it provided and the years I spent creating it.  

I am realizing how connected I am to the earth.  I know we all are, really, but I feel it so deeply, I am so AWARE of it..  And that's a good thing.  While the Wednesday migraines could very well be stress related, a lot of times, I get really bad headaches as the weather changes.  Which sucks, but honestly its kind of cool to be so aware of pressure changes in the atmosphere.  And to be in touch with the plants and the animals and the trees (besides having permanently labeled myself as a hippy with that last statements)  I love that about myself.  I love that last night the sunset was so beautiful that when I got home I dragged C out of the house and we ran down the street barefoot to catch the view as it was disappearing.  She was complaining the whole way and then just stopped and it was freakin amazing- both the sunset and her instant awestruck silence!

I don't think of myself as being an overly happy or optimistic person.  I don't really believe that most people will follow the inherent good inside themselves, only that they have it and that if a few people do, the world is a better place.  But what I do know, is that most of my life I felt like I had a black cloud hanging over my head.  I never really felt at peace, and enjoyable moments weren't truly happy as my mind was somewhere else.  I felt numb when I didn't feel pain.  I guess that's depression and anxiety (mental issues I'll save for another post tho) and time and time again I addressed them I thought and if it helped, it was only temporary and then I slid back into the dark abyss of either depression or addiction or both, as they fueled each other.

It would get better and then the bottom would fall out.  So when things were good, I always felt scared that it was temporary and that it would be awful soon.

And that is true.  Every time it gets too easy, it gets hard.  Such is life, and I am aware of that now.  What is different is the ability I have gained to accept and acknowlege this and yet, still be ok.  Mental, emotional and spiritual health, and physical health, are all things I actually have to work really hard on to maintain.  But now, I know that.  I can let myself slide, but it seems like lately I don't let myself slide very far.  Because bottom line, as hard as my life can be at times, as broke as I am some weeks (hello I had to buy tampons with change yesterday- seriously embarrassing!)  my life doesn't suck.  My marriage doesn't suck, although we have had our struggles and we are both certainly difficult people.  Being a mom doesn't suck and I don't get up each day with a sense of dread that I will fail as a mom, or that I can't do it.  I appreciate my health, my body, my teeth, so much because I have been so sick for extended periods of time.

Basically, what I see in my own life is that I have made progress.  Enormous huge leaps forward.  Most of the time, I still see all the work that lies ahead, all the stuff I need to do or fix or the habits I need to change or my flaws.  But today, I am going to focus on where I am at.  Here is some progress...


My house may not be spotless (far from) but it can be cleaned up enough for people to come visit in a couple hours and could be deep cleaned and spiffed up in a day or two (not on the to do list tho :-).  Progress is that Jeff and I both have some hoarder tendencies and there was a time frame of a couple years, maybe more,  when he went through interferon and then when I got sick that our house was so full of junk and so behind on laundry and cleaning and everything that NO ONE was ever invited over or even allowed in.  It was gross, embarrassing, depressing, tragic.  The irony is that now I clean 2 buildings and help people clean up their lives.  Karma.

I have some rockin muscles and can do awesome yoga poses.  I am however kept humble by the fact that for the most part, I don't practice in the classes we do all those complicated poses, I practice with a bunch of real world people and some ladies who are old enough to be my mom, sometimes older, and are so freaking strong and agile and beautiful that I always leave class recommitted to the basics, and to the need to work on my foundation.  Yup still working on the foundation.  Not just in yoga, in life.  It never really turned out well when I didn't. 

And here is what is so cool about those muscles and that handstand I just learned how to do:  A few years ago, I was so sick that I couldn't leave the house for a year and a half.  The vertigo was so severe that standing up made me nauseous.  I couldn't drive, I couldn't even walk the 2 blocks to the elementary school.  I couldn't be a mom.  I couldn't cook, I couldn't even eat anything,  I couldn't be supportive, I couldn't really live.  I wondered if I was going to die, the doctors wondered if I was going to die, and the er staff knew me because they had to give me iv's to hydrate me so often.  Sometimes I forget what that was like.  I feel so guilty about it because I couldn't be the mom my kids needed, but damn look at me now.

Its not really that I feel like an athlete again (not just from yoga, but from everything- I love that feeling) its that I can cook and eat, I have a beautiful smile because to save my life, I had to get all my teeth fixed.  (1 surgery and another one scheduled on my stomach and they finally figured out what I had been saying all along- that it was my ears- and the source of the chronic ear infections that caused vertigo, which made me nausous and all throw up-y and stuff was from my teeth... its a whole long story of how that was discovered and I'll write that one down later- but it was a miracle for sure.)  I learned to trust my intuition when it comes to my body because I knew all along what was wrong with me and discounted myself because the doctors were sure it was something else.  And I can be a mom.  I can show up and I can be there.  Not perfectly, not all the time, but I do appreciate that and I hope my kiddos know that I treasure the ability to be involved in their lives like I am.  I can be a wife.  I get mad at J for not helping me more with the kids and the house, but how easily I forget that for 13 months he couldn't even function as he went through interferon (yet for most of that time he still maintained his job to support his family) and before he could even recover from that, I got sick and all of our life's responsibilities were forced onto him.  We are so much further along that we ever have been before.  We have made progress. 

So once again, today, I am going to be grateful that the progress I have made, with the help and support of my husband, my children, my family and my very close and dear friends; and marvel that I am here, and that I have amazing people in my life who love me and support me in spite of me.  And who aren't going to be scared by reading these posts from the brain of Bridget because they already either know me better than I think they do, or they just love me and don't care.  I am following my dreams.  I am loved.  I am a good mom.  I am even making a little money these days doing what I love and a little more doing what I don't love, but what I don't hate either.   Today.

108 days... Day 1 cont...

Made it to a yoga/meditation class. Much needed.  Still feeling crazy and not clear headed but at least I know I took the actions I needed to for this first day.  Feeling weird about starting something like this on the 30th of the month. 

108 days... Day 1

My boss, mentor, teacher, and of course dear friend recently posted that she was dedicated to blogging about her inner self, focusing on herself and her life and all that for 108 days. Svadhyaya or self study is the Fourth Niyama or Personal Observances of the Pantanjali Yoga Sutras. Hmmm. I thought about this.

I have been meaning to start writing again- one of my truest, purest, first forms of meditation and self study and just something I enjoyed doing- for a long time. But I have kids and pets and work and play and friends and volunteer stuff and I teach and I learn and well, I just don't have time to pursue writing or photography- 2 of my deepest passions besides yoga. But I do have time to waste it seems. Why is it so much easier to see what everyone else is doing on facebook than take a few minutes to look at myself and help myself. Why is it so hard to take care of myself? And I kind of feel dumb even doing it without knowing what I am doing, but that is pretty much how everything in yoga feels to me- so much to learn and so little that I already know. Se la vi. I hear 108 all the time, know its significant, but not sure as of yet why. Going to learn that I am sure.

I think another reason I quit writing was a lack of passion in my life. And I don't mean sparks flying, romantic passion. I mean my own passion. I have always been so intense, so focused (not always on the best things, but focused none the less) and it seems the nicer I got, the more I tried to be this good person and an asset to my family, friends and society, the more and more it drained the passion out of me. Don't get me wrong, it was good. I needed to change. A lot. I needed to grow up and be responsible and learn to work my ass off. I really did need all those things. But somewhere along the line as the guilt from previous experiences faded and I worked hard to pursue the mundane and overcome my own mental and physical issues and grief, my craziness and pain, well, I lost my passion too. I am happy most days now. And sometimes I am really truly purely happy! I am content with my life and the direction its taken now. But it has only been this last year that has brought all that to me. I have passion again. Maybe not change the world passion (well occasionally) but certainly a more grounded, realistic view. And after a year of transformation, I still have a long way to go.

So I decided to take an honest look and dedicate this to myself. I need to anyway. Part of my yoga certification is to keep a 40 day long on meditation. I teach a meditation class- do my lesson plans count if I am helping others?! Ha! Therein lies my problem. When it comes to taking short cuts, mostly, I take them for myself in an effort to either make it easier or to have more time for others or whatever. I really don't know. I don't even know why I decided to do this. For the most part, I think I have been scared to start writing again. Too much to write. What if I don't get it all down. What if I discover that I really AM the person I am most afraid I am. What if all this goodness and love and kindness and yoga is just a front for the fucked up person the broken spirit that lives inside me? What if I am all that I believe about myself? Or what if I am all that I have done to myself and others? Of what if I am just a self centered spoiled brat feeling sorry for myself?

Anyway, I have insecurities too. Lots of them. And I simply need to deal. So here's to a new journey, interweaving into the one I am on already.

Two years ago, July 17, 2009, something happened that changed everything. A very close friend I had known most of my life succumbed to the demons I had always been fighting. And fuck it, everything changed that day. Every priority, every breath, everything. Hard to describe why or how, but it did. It just did. What years of hard living and craziness and then mundane real life had done to me was undone. Seriously, I knew I had to live each moment, each day and fully! My tribute to Casey is my life. Its that simple. Live each day the besty I can and appreciate the moments of life I have, and all the wonderful people and moments in it. So I spent a year trying to sort stuff out, deciding to come out of being a hermit and enjoy my friends and make new ones, to not worry so much about the crap and to live a little freer.

A year ago Labor Day weekend, I went to a free class at Blue, for FDOY. It was great. A few days later, on my birthday (September 15) I went to a class at Blue for the 10 days deal, and took a class from Jan. All the ladies were lovely. Sept 15 is also the studio birthday. Anyway I took this class and now, a year later, everything is different. Everything is so much better. A year ago I had no focus. I needed to do something, but what was my calling? Where was I supposed to be going? How to help people, help myself, provide more stability for my family, and ultimately be able to be self sufficient. (More about that later- much as I love my husband, and his unending support of me both emotionally and financially its good to be able to stand on your own).

So today, I am going to a meditation class. I started this blog. I am not ready or prepared for this journey, but I am excited. And scared. And afraid I'll fail. But that's ok. Because today, I actually did it. So here's to today.