108 days... Day 1

My boss, mentor, teacher, and of course dear friend recently posted that she was dedicated to blogging about her inner self, focusing on herself and her life and all that for 108 days. Svadhyaya or self study is the Fourth Niyama or Personal Observances of the Pantanjali Yoga Sutras. Hmmm. I thought about this.

I have been meaning to start writing again- one of my truest, purest, first forms of meditation and self study and just something I enjoyed doing- for a long time. But I have kids and pets and work and play and friends and volunteer stuff and I teach and I learn and well, I just don't have time to pursue writing or photography- 2 of my deepest passions besides yoga. But I do have time to waste it seems. Why is it so much easier to see what everyone else is doing on facebook than take a few minutes to look at myself and help myself. Why is it so hard to take care of myself? And I kind of feel dumb even doing it without knowing what I am doing, but that is pretty much how everything in yoga feels to me- so much to learn and so little that I already know. Se la vi. I hear 108 all the time, know its significant, but not sure as of yet why. Going to learn that I am sure.

I think another reason I quit writing was a lack of passion in my life. And I don't mean sparks flying, romantic passion. I mean my own passion. I have always been so intense, so focused (not always on the best things, but focused none the less) and it seems the nicer I got, the more I tried to be this good person and an asset to my family, friends and society, the more and more it drained the passion out of me. Don't get me wrong, it was good. I needed to change. A lot. I needed to grow up and be responsible and learn to work my ass off. I really did need all those things. But somewhere along the line as the guilt from previous experiences faded and I worked hard to pursue the mundane and overcome my own mental and physical issues and grief, my craziness and pain, well, I lost my passion too. I am happy most days now. And sometimes I am really truly purely happy! I am content with my life and the direction its taken now. But it has only been this last year that has brought all that to me. I have passion again. Maybe not change the world passion (well occasionally) but certainly a more grounded, realistic view. And after a year of transformation, I still have a long way to go.

So I decided to take an honest look and dedicate this to myself. I need to anyway. Part of my yoga certification is to keep a 40 day long on meditation. I teach a meditation class- do my lesson plans count if I am helping others?! Ha! Therein lies my problem. When it comes to taking short cuts, mostly, I take them for myself in an effort to either make it easier or to have more time for others or whatever. I really don't know. I don't even know why I decided to do this. For the most part, I think I have been scared to start writing again. Too much to write. What if I don't get it all down. What if I discover that I really AM the person I am most afraid I am. What if all this goodness and love and kindness and yoga is just a front for the fucked up person the broken spirit that lives inside me? What if I am all that I believe about myself? Or what if I am all that I have done to myself and others? Of what if I am just a self centered spoiled brat feeling sorry for myself?

Anyway, I have insecurities too. Lots of them. And I simply need to deal. So here's to a new journey, interweaving into the one I am on already.

Two years ago, July 17, 2009, something happened that changed everything. A very close friend I had known most of my life succumbed to the demons I had always been fighting. And fuck it, everything changed that day. Every priority, every breath, everything. Hard to describe why or how, but it did. It just did. What years of hard living and craziness and then mundane real life had done to me was undone. Seriously, I knew I had to live each moment, each day and fully! My tribute to Casey is my life. Its that simple. Live each day the besty I can and appreciate the moments of life I have, and all the wonderful people and moments in it. So I spent a year trying to sort stuff out, deciding to come out of being a hermit and enjoy my friends and make new ones, to not worry so much about the crap and to live a little freer.

A year ago Labor Day weekend, I went to a free class at Blue, for FDOY. It was great. A few days later, on my birthday (September 15) I went to a class at Blue for the 10 days deal, and took a class from Jan. All the ladies were lovely. Sept 15 is also the studio birthday. Anyway I took this class and now, a year later, everything is different. Everything is so much better. A year ago I had no focus. I needed to do something, but what was my calling? Where was I supposed to be going? How to help people, help myself, provide more stability for my family, and ultimately be able to be self sufficient. (More about that later- much as I love my husband, and his unending support of me both emotionally and financially its good to be able to stand on your own).

So today, I am going to a meditation class. I started this blog. I am not ready or prepared for this journey, but I am excited. And scared. And afraid I'll fail. But that's ok. Because today, I actually did it. So here's to today.