108 Days... Day 7 cont.

Keep up or get left behind.  Oh my goodness this is a powerful, controversial statement.  Selfish, yes.  True, yes.  Have I been left behind, certainly.  It ranks right up there with one of my go to mantras, "Go big or go home."  I know, I know.  I do have a competitive streak.  Absolutely.  I love to win.  I love to be the best, or at least hang with the best.  Bottom line, I actively seek the feeling of competence. And that's not bad.  It can go too far, and keeping that competitive nature in check is certainly something I work with a lot. 

But I coach 7 year olds at soccer.  Fun, learning the game, being a team, all of that is more important than winning.  And the secret is that all of that actually adds up to winning.  We work on foundations.  We practice.  We have a blast on and off the field, while running and while taking breaks and eating popsicles.  We support and love each other even when we make mistakes.  We help players who are new, who are struggling.  Wow.  How can I incorporate that into the rest of my life?  And where does my original statement come into play?  Hmmm.  Well, the players help each other keep up.  And they SHOW UP!  And they look out for each other so that no one gets left behind.  But let me tell you, if there is a player who is straggling, who isn't playing up to par, who maybe has given up on them self, the team of the game, who isn't, dare I say it, keeping up, the TEAM lets them know.  The others players bring it up.  They encourage and support but they also are there to keep each other on their toes and to encourage each other to do their best.

Its not acceptable to give up.  It isn't ok not to try.  Even, especially, when its hard, it is not ok to give up. Its not ok to give up on myself.  And sometimes, not giving up on myself is reflected in how I treat those close to me.  

The other night I received a text.  It could have ruined a friendship. I could have taken it as a sign of that, and cut off contact.  It wouldn't be the first time I reacted that way, in this kind of situation.  I could have taken it personally.  I could have decided that I wasn't worth it.  Or that she wasn't. 

But I didn't.  I didn't react in the way that is natural for me.  I didn't respond with an f-u message.  I just said, "I'll call you in a few."  And guess what?  That text was simply someone actually hanging that sign around her neck.  Saying "I'm scared and feeling vulnerable, are you my friend?"  Remember my post a few days ago about the signs I wished I could hang around my neck? ( Signs Link) Well she did!  She had the courage to.  How often have each one of us been there? I was there when I called her.  I needed a friend as much as she did.  I needed to call as much as she needed me to.  We all need friends.  I isolate when I am scared, or when life gets hard, or when I don't want to face whatever it is in front of me.  Or when I am embarrassed.  Or... Point being, I isolate. 

Sometimes the people we love, the people who are closest to us, don't do what we want them to.  Sometimes our lives move in different directions.  I know this.  I know that I can't keep people in my life that aren't good for me, that are too far from me, that take and never give.  I know that its not giving up, its letting go.  I know that in my head.  My heart, it has a hard time letting go.  It has a hard time telling those I am connected with to keep up or get left behind. 

Sometimes I am the one who needs to keep up.  I drag others down and they take the time to stop and carry me, to push me to my feet and get me moving again, so I can keep up.  I strive to be that person for others, although I am learning how few that number can really be.  I have to be the one to put my feet on the ground.  To go forward, to move, to eventually, well, keep up.  Not in a bad way, just in the way that life is.  And guess what, sometimes people don't keep up.  And you leave them behind.  And sometimes I don't keep up, and I get left behind.  But sometimes, sometimes, when you help someone, and they see where you are, they keep up.  And sometimes, you realize that they haven't just kept up, they have found their own way.  And its beautiful.

108 Days...Day 7

Each day can be filled with so much.  Amazing how full one day can be with life, emotions, happenings, decisions, realizations.  Imagine how much difference one day can make.  Even one moment.  One moment can change things.  One moment does change things.

I am thinking about this because the 10th anniversary of September 11 is coming up of course.  The day that changed everything.  The day that ruined my birthday.  I'm certainly not saying I have suffered some sort of horrible loss, any different from the rest of the country.  I am simply saying that the entire country goes into mourning right before my birthday every year.  Selfish, maybe a little.  I don't watch all the documentaries to help us "remember".  I don't need to remember.  I know.  I'm proud of my country, proud if who we are, even though I think we need to grow as a country.  But damn, I need to grow as a person too.  It just makes me sad.  September 11 changed all of us.  It changed everything.

108 Days... Day 6

Day 6

So if you know me at all, it will not surprise anyone that Day 6 is well, a few days after day 5.  I was going to try and catch up or back date stuff, but hey, this is about me, its about my own goals, insights and struggles.  So I'm putting it out there.

I struggle with consistency.  My whole life.  Not with focus, not with dedication or motivation, but with consistency.  Follow through.  Maybe its a fear of failure.  Maybe its laziness or  my ever present procrastination.  Perhaps it is the lack of self control I seem to possess.  I am not sure, but its something I am working on and exploring the root causes of so that I can overcome it.  Anyway, even if consistency for me isn't 108 days in a row, I am still committed.  And I am doing my best.  It might not be 108 consecutive days, as much as I want it to be, and as easy as that might seem for some people, but I am determined to finish this, to complete it, and to learn from it.

One of my goals has been to attend classes more regularly and I have been.  My goal is at least 3-5 classes I take a week, in addition to the ones I teach, observe or assist in.  Meditation, calming the monkey mind.  HA!  But even in this area I am starting to improve I think.  A regular meditation practice is what I strive for and I have actually made 2 Tuesday meditation classes in a row!  YAY!

I went to Mass on Sunday with the girls.  Albeit late.  However it was really a peaceful, joyful place to be.  It was just really nice and the girls behaved beautifully.  I got to spend Sunday afternoon with my family and some very beautiful yogis at the Free Day of Yoga Ft. Worth Kickoff.  The girls had been disastrous the day before, Jeff had been grumpy, it was still hot and we were just off.  So to have this beautiful Sunday was simply amazing.   I got to demo the class from well above the yogis on the lawn, so I had prime view to see how beautiful and amazing everyone was, how peaceful and intense and wonderful the entire day seemed then, and still seems in retrospect.  It was simply amazing.  Sivasana was well deserved and well, it was one of those that reminded me why I do yoga.  It was that yummy and I have been on a great yoga high (although totally sore from planks and warriors and chairs) ever since, that has faded but still lingers in a bit of a happy bliss, even with the migraine that just won't end.  Monday I got to be part of a free class at the studio teaching with 2 of my very fave people and it was awesome.  Totally beautiful, honest chant that melted my heart and brought me to tears.  The power and the love in that room was, well, it just was.  You had to be there.  Fortunately for me, I was.  Jeff was too.  My husband has been going out of his way to let me know he supports me.

So why the inconsistencies?  Is it because I am lazy?  Some days, yeah.  I certainly get bored and tire of things before I am done, and I have spent a lifetime leaving behind a disaster and letting others clean up the mess, both metaphorically and physically.  The irony in the is that now, I get to clean up after other people.   I wouldn't say I give up easily, because I certainly can be stubborn, but I do think I give up on myself, my own goals, projects and what not when they become boring or difficult, a lot easier than I have ever given up on my friends, family, the people I love the most and am so deeply loyal to.  I really don't give up on other people.  And maybe those other people are a distraction for me so I don't have to follow through on the commitments I make to myself.  So that i don't have to be accountable for and to myself.  Because it is in helping others that I catch an excuse for myself.  

Awareness.  It won't make me a bad friend.  In fact, I know that sometimes my "help" and my "saving" only gets in the way of anothers karma, of their own lessons, and then forces them to repeat their own suffering.  In this way, I am not being helpful at all, I am, instead, only adding to their pain.  What are my motivations behind what I do, and why and I helping? My own inability to look inward?  Guilt?  Control?  Or just because it needs to be done and I am willing and able to help.  Willing and able to lighten someone's load.