"I Miss You" by Cheyenne

My Great Aunt Mary died at Christmas time.  It was hard.  She was my grandpa's last living sibling out of the seven of them.  She was blind the last several years of her life and yet, still lived an amazing, full life.  Mid nineties and she died having lived every moment.  With her died a treasury of the Old Country.  Our Italian roots.  My grandpa of course still maintains a lot of the memories for us, but Aunt Mary, well she had the recipes.  For those of us that learned some of them, we are blessed and it is our duty to keep them intact, to pass along our rich, beautiful, and delicious ethnic history.   No doubt though, a lot of our Italian roots died with her.  But I digress.  Death and life are often a subject of contemplation.  And more often than not, with the death of a loved one comes the reminder of just how precious our lives are, and what is really important.  Hug your kids, tell your spouse you love him or her, call your parents and grandparents and great grandparents.  Listen to their stories and appreciate what life is.  And read a 12 year old's perspective here on the death of her great great aunt.

"It was snowing and the smell of coffee was in the air. I lazily swung my feet out of bed and wrapped myself in my fuzzy blanket. The hard floor was cold to my feet as I went to sit next to my grandma to read the Sunday adds. Then the phone rang and I looked up just in time to see my grandma's eyes.
I was sitting at the island in my grandma's kitchen eating my bowl of Rice Krispies when I heard the news. “Cheyenne,” my grandma said.  I could hear there was sadness in her voice. “Yea Mother” I replied with a questioning tone to my voice. “I have some bad news.”  Her voice got a little sadder.  “Oh no what happened?”  I was talking fast and my voice was starting to tremble. “Your Aunt Mary passed away in her sleep last night.”  I could feel the tears swelling up in my eyes and the hot ones rolling down my cheeks. When I finally really understood what happened, I started to think about the many fun times and good lunches we had over there.
The back seat of my great grandpa's car was not terribly comfortable but he had pillows back there. The back seat did bump a lot but that was okay. And it smelt like a grandpa's car should smell like. When we drove up her drive way and got out you could see the beautiful garden of roses. Oh there were soooooooooo many roses. My grandpa would ring the doorbell but then he would become impatient and just walk on in. Aunt Mary would offer us food.   My great grandpa would refuse, she would give it to anyway. (siblings☺) She would tell us “look at these skinny kids Steve, we need to put some meat on their bones.”   My grandpa would just grunt.
For lunch she would bring out all of her refrigerator. We would have pepperoni slices and crackers, olives, potato salad, jello ham,and cheese, milk, juice, water or sprite. Then for desert she would always have a bowl of chocolate waiting for us. Then we would go out back because something was wrong with her plants and she needed my grandpa to fix it. So we would go outside and spend about and hour out their looking at things then finally it was time to go home.
When my Aunt Mary died it really changed my life because I used to really dread going over there but now that that opportunity has been taken from me I want it more then ever. I used to take going over there for granted but now I realized that I had so much fun over there so I miss it now.
When someone dies in your family it usually changes your life. I sure know this family death changed my life. It was the first death I had really ever experienced and hopefully the last one. I want to give advice to the kids out there: if you go to an elderly persons house to visit but you dread going DON'T dread it, enjoy the time you have with them because one day that time will run out.

So here's to you Aunt Mary
I miss you sooooooo so so so so so so much, I would give anything in the world to have you back. I know I used to take going to your house for granted but forgive me please I had a wonderful time their every time I went. I love you sooo much and hope that you had an amazing life. Love, Cheyenne."

Friendship

I turned 33 last week.  I went out to lunch with a dear friend the day before my birthday and had lunch with Jeff and some of the ladies from my class on Thursday.  I got a ton of birthday wishes via facebook (see its not ALL bad) and cards, gifts and texts.  I got to talk to family and friends and decided to really enjoy the week of my birthday, taking time to slow down and truly enjoy the conversations with people who so dedicatedly love me and support me.  Birthday weekend I had an evening out with friends and then dinner at mi casa the next day. 


I normally don't do a whole lot for my birthday.  Its a busy time of year and stuff usually comes up.  Sports seasons have started (both on TV and in real life),  the school year is in full swing, I am back to working, shuttling kids and volunteering... in a word, we are BUSY! 

This year wasn't much different, except.... well, I hurt my back.  The weekend before my birthday.  GASP!  I was so upset.  After teaching and then taking a yoga class last Tuesday I couldn't get out of bed.  It hurt!  So I had to take it easy. 

Rather than stressing about what I couldn't get done (no computer work either- couldn't sit) I actually took the time to enjoy all the people in my life who dropped in, or shared a conversation, or called.  And it was wonderful.  Wednesday my back was feeling good enough to be a passenger but not a driver for a long lunch and an even longer conversation.  Mostly not about me.  Mostly just 2 friends talking.  I needed that.  I need that.  In an era of multi tasking, frenzied lives, texting and emails, I need face time. 

So hurting my back and a birthday lunch led me down a new path.  Guess what?  I realized some things.  First, I realized how isolated and lonely so many people are.  Alone surrounded by people.  I am not usually one of those people, unless I choose to be.  I am very blessed not to be.  I am surrounded by love.  Cheesy?  Yes, absolutely.  True, yes absolutely. 

Second, I realized that I am so scared about how I am perceived, about whether or not people will like me, like what I teach, all of those self doubts, and I don't need to be.  Why?  Because all of a sudden it occurred to me (with some help- that's what friends are for, right?!) that there are so many people around me that DO like me, that DO accept me, that DO support me, and that they have been doing it for a very long time.  I know a lot of people with lots of friends/acquaintances, who are in it for the popularity, and I have never been able to master the art of being popular.  But what I know about myself is that most of the people I have been friends with it has been ongoing for years, if not decades.  Every few years someone new gets added into the mix of people I would put my life on the line for, who would do that for me, who are tried and true best friends.   The people I am loyal to, the ones I love and support no matter what, and the ones that do that for me. 

I think that a lot of this stems from my family, and from the tribe I grew up in.  Sometimes we create a life for ourselves, a community for ourselves, a tribe for ourselves, and sometimes we are born into that.  Here in Texas, I am doing my best to create the community feeling that I have always known at home.  But what I do have at home are inter-generational friendships.  People whose grandparents and great grandparents came over on the boat together.  People whose grandparents went to high school with mine, whose parents and uncles and aunts and cousins went to school with mine.  people who have known me since I was a little kid, through all the turmoil and trouble of adolescence and those terrible teenage years.  people who loved and liked and accepted me then. 

And I am worried about whether or not people will like me now?!  Seriously?!  Quite honestly I think I am a lot more likable, if not lovable these days.  I am certainly more approachable and probably not the least bit scary.  I know I have more to offer the world.  I am hands down more productive, less flighty, and a whole hell of a lot more honest and reliable. 

So I realized all this, realized that some people have no one to call on when they need a friend, are lucky to count one or two good friends for a lifetime, and I have best friends in 3 states.  I would do anything for the people I love.  I know that feeling is reciprocal.  Maybe part of it is that we have gone through hell together or at least share the same experiences and have come out better for it, have bonded fiercely over our own survival.  But the bottom line is, the best thing I could have ever received for my birthday, I actually got.  It was the realization that I am good enough, that people do like and love me, for me, and that they have for a very long time.  And that I am good enough to be their friends,  From this came the most amazing conclusion.  I don't need more friends.  I don't need people to like me.  I already have my tribe.  It sure makes it a lot easier to put myself out there now.  Thanks for all the birthday love!

108 Days... Day 7 cont.

Keep up or get left behind.  Oh my goodness this is a powerful, controversial statement.  Selfish, yes.  True, yes.  Have I been left behind, certainly.  It ranks right up there with one of my go to mantras, "Go big or go home."  I know, I know.  I do have a competitive streak.  Absolutely.  I love to win.  I love to be the best, or at least hang with the best.  Bottom line, I actively seek the feeling of competence. And that's not bad.  It can go too far, and keeping that competitive nature in check is certainly something I work with a lot. 

But I coach 7 year olds at soccer.  Fun, learning the game, being a team, all of that is more important than winning.  And the secret is that all of that actually adds up to winning.  We work on foundations.  We practice.  We have a blast on and off the field, while running and while taking breaks and eating popsicles.  We support and love each other even when we make mistakes.  We help players who are new, who are struggling.  Wow.  How can I incorporate that into the rest of my life?  And where does my original statement come into play?  Hmmm.  Well, the players help each other keep up.  And they SHOW UP!  And they look out for each other so that no one gets left behind.  But let me tell you, if there is a player who is straggling, who isn't playing up to par, who maybe has given up on them self, the team of the game, who isn't, dare I say it, keeping up, the TEAM lets them know.  The others players bring it up.  They encourage and support but they also are there to keep each other on their toes and to encourage each other to do their best.

Its not acceptable to give up.  It isn't ok not to try.  Even, especially, when its hard, it is not ok to give up. Its not ok to give up on myself.  And sometimes, not giving up on myself is reflected in how I treat those close to me.  

The other night I received a text.  It could have ruined a friendship. I could have taken it as a sign of that, and cut off contact.  It wouldn't be the first time I reacted that way, in this kind of situation.  I could have taken it personally.  I could have decided that I wasn't worth it.  Or that she wasn't. 

But I didn't.  I didn't react in the way that is natural for me.  I didn't respond with an f-u message.  I just said, "I'll call you in a few."  And guess what?  That text was simply someone actually hanging that sign around her neck.  Saying "I'm scared and feeling vulnerable, are you my friend?"  Remember my post a few days ago about the signs I wished I could hang around my neck? ( Signs Link) Well she did!  She had the courage to.  How often have each one of us been there? I was there when I called her.  I needed a friend as much as she did.  I needed to call as much as she needed me to.  We all need friends.  I isolate when I am scared, or when life gets hard, or when I don't want to face whatever it is in front of me.  Or when I am embarrassed.  Or... Point being, I isolate. 

Sometimes the people we love, the people who are closest to us, don't do what we want them to.  Sometimes our lives move in different directions.  I know this.  I know that I can't keep people in my life that aren't good for me, that are too far from me, that take and never give.  I know that its not giving up, its letting go.  I know that in my head.  My heart, it has a hard time letting go.  It has a hard time telling those I am connected with to keep up or get left behind. 

Sometimes I am the one who needs to keep up.  I drag others down and they take the time to stop and carry me, to push me to my feet and get me moving again, so I can keep up.  I strive to be that person for others, although I am learning how few that number can really be.  I have to be the one to put my feet on the ground.  To go forward, to move, to eventually, well, keep up.  Not in a bad way, just in the way that life is.  And guess what, sometimes people don't keep up.  And you leave them behind.  And sometimes I don't keep up, and I get left behind.  But sometimes, sometimes, when you help someone, and they see where you are, they keep up.  And sometimes, you realize that they haven't just kept up, they have found their own way.  And its beautiful.

108 Days...Day 7

Each day can be filled with so much.  Amazing how full one day can be with life, emotions, happenings, decisions, realizations.  Imagine how much difference one day can make.  Even one moment.  One moment can change things.  One moment does change things.

I am thinking about this because the 10th anniversary of September 11 is coming up of course.  The day that changed everything.  The day that ruined my birthday.  I'm certainly not saying I have suffered some sort of horrible loss, any different from the rest of the country.  I am simply saying that the entire country goes into mourning right before my birthday every year.  Selfish, maybe a little.  I don't watch all the documentaries to help us "remember".  I don't need to remember.  I know.  I'm proud of my country, proud if who we are, even though I think we need to grow as a country.  But damn, I need to grow as a person too.  It just makes me sad.  September 11 changed all of us.  It changed everything.

108 Days... Day 6

Day 6

So if you know me at all, it will not surprise anyone that Day 6 is well, a few days after day 5.  I was going to try and catch up or back date stuff, but hey, this is about me, its about my own goals, insights and struggles.  So I'm putting it out there.

I struggle with consistency.  My whole life.  Not with focus, not with dedication or motivation, but with consistency.  Follow through.  Maybe its a fear of failure.  Maybe its laziness or  my ever present procrastination.  Perhaps it is the lack of self control I seem to possess.  I am not sure, but its something I am working on and exploring the root causes of so that I can overcome it.  Anyway, even if consistency for me isn't 108 days in a row, I am still committed.  And I am doing my best.  It might not be 108 consecutive days, as much as I want it to be, and as easy as that might seem for some people, but I am determined to finish this, to complete it, and to learn from it.

One of my goals has been to attend classes more regularly and I have been.  My goal is at least 3-5 classes I take a week, in addition to the ones I teach, observe or assist in.  Meditation, calming the monkey mind.  HA!  But even in this area I am starting to improve I think.  A regular meditation practice is what I strive for and I have actually made 2 Tuesday meditation classes in a row!  YAY!

I went to Mass on Sunday with the girls.  Albeit late.  However it was really a peaceful, joyful place to be.  It was just really nice and the girls behaved beautifully.  I got to spend Sunday afternoon with my family and some very beautiful yogis at the Free Day of Yoga Ft. Worth Kickoff.  The girls had been disastrous the day before, Jeff had been grumpy, it was still hot and we were just off.  So to have this beautiful Sunday was simply amazing.   I got to demo the class from well above the yogis on the lawn, so I had prime view to see how beautiful and amazing everyone was, how peaceful and intense and wonderful the entire day seemed then, and still seems in retrospect.  It was simply amazing.  Sivasana was well deserved and well, it was one of those that reminded me why I do yoga.  It was that yummy and I have been on a great yoga high (although totally sore from planks and warriors and chairs) ever since, that has faded but still lingers in a bit of a happy bliss, even with the migraine that just won't end.  Monday I got to be part of a free class at the studio teaching with 2 of my very fave people and it was awesome.  Totally beautiful, honest chant that melted my heart and brought me to tears.  The power and the love in that room was, well, it just was.  You had to be there.  Fortunately for me, I was.  Jeff was too.  My husband has been going out of his way to let me know he supports me.

So why the inconsistencies?  Is it because I am lazy?  Some days, yeah.  I certainly get bored and tire of things before I am done, and I have spent a lifetime leaving behind a disaster and letting others clean up the mess, both metaphorically and physically.  The irony in the is that now, I get to clean up after other people.   I wouldn't say I give up easily, because I certainly can be stubborn, but I do think I give up on myself, my own goals, projects and what not when they become boring or difficult, a lot easier than I have ever given up on my friends, family, the people I love the most and am so deeply loyal to.  I really don't give up on other people.  And maybe those other people are a distraction for me so I don't have to follow through on the commitments I make to myself.  So that i don't have to be accountable for and to myself.  Because it is in helping others that I catch an excuse for myself.  

Awareness.  It won't make me a bad friend.  In fact, I know that sometimes my "help" and my "saving" only gets in the way of anothers karma, of their own lessons, and then forces them to repeat their own suffering.  In this way, I am not being helpful at all, I am, instead, only adding to their pain.  What are my motivations behind what I do, and why and I helping? My own inability to look inward?  Guilt?  Control?  Or just because it needs to be done and I am willing and able to help.  Willing and able to lighten someone's load.

108 Days...Day 5

Ah what a day.  I think I think too much.  I know I do.  Its why I am spending this month reading and researching and teaching about the first chakra.  Because I need to be more grounded.  More focused.  Less worried about the popularity contest of life, less worried about the big picture, less worried about the time constraints and the (perceived) deadlines, less worried about failures pr the possiblility of and what...?
What exactly do I need to focus on, since I have painted a pretty clear picture to myself as to what I don't need to work on?
And where/when/how do I start?  (uh yeah, I am aware that I over analyze..)

 I need to focus on what is right in front of me.   In the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, in being present as I do.

I have been feeling uninspired since I decided to embark on this project.  A little aimless.  A little like after a summer away, a time of deepening my beliefs and discovering so much on a spiritual/grounded level, that, well, I am back in the rat race and its crazy and busy and my head hurts and, I feel a little lost again.  Really lonely in the chaos that is, yet surrounded by other people.  Like a lot of my flaws are out on display.  Afraid.  It's all kind of yucky.

Sometimes I wish I had a sign around my neck that told people to  

please be nice I am having a hard day and sometimes my life really is super hard and I am doing my best to deal, and can't you please just give me a break.   

or   

Can't you understand that this IS my best?   

or   

Inside my heart it hurts and I struggle, please don't be mean to me 

or

I need help, please.  

or even

I'm sorry.  I'm having a hard time and I am absorbed it my own problems.  I don't mean to make yours worse for you. 

DAMN IT I want to be the person who takes that into account for other people.  I am going to work on remembering that we can't always see the signs other people are wearing.  Or maybe we can, and we should take the time to read them and respond. 

Sometimes its  hard.  I know, I know, hard for everyone and that knowlege gets me on some pity pot about how I have no right to feel bad because there is always someone who has had it worse and.. that issue is just gonna have to wait for another day. Back to my point.  Sometimes its hard, and today was one of those days.

I was excited.  Really really hoping and expecting a wonderful day.  Class this morning was fun to teach, group was great, and then I went home to pick up the kiddos.  Ha!  And there it begins.  Girls are exhausted from school and the ensuing social/academic/musical/athletic schedule (when the temps have been over 100 forever) that follows our lackadaisical summer travels.  Let's face it, I am too.  And it makes us cranky.  Plus I haven't been feeling good, and I know I'm not the only one.

Free Day of Yoga, Dallas Kickoff.  Beautiful yogis, instructors, vibe, loved taking pics there.  Awesome my family decided to trek downtown with me to enjoy the museums, the yoga, the day as a family.  D cries because she can't get her face painted.  And pouts. C antagonizes.  Jeff isn't feeling the zen vibe by the time... Delaney falls?! in the fountain.  Yeah seriously.  Its not a kids play in the fountain kind of fountain, either.  And now she is even more upset and, point being, it was time to head.  Over and out.  Except it just continued.  One of those days, and at least 3 of us had cried and then...then...

Both kids were in bed.  Jeff and I were talking about someone's fb post, their rant about smiling people and that the world is really awful and that a lot of people are living in ignorance and then...Jeff said, "But when you smile you get more prana, right?"  Wait what?  Because he heard that in MY class.  He actually paid attention and takes it seriously enough to process it and apply it?  Wait what?  How amazingly cool.  Because I know he supports me, but, that's different that taking it in and applying it to himself, to his own beliefs and life. I am not doing this just for me.  I'm doing it so I can help other people find their own way, too.  I'm doing it for the people closest to me.  And I love that he is on this journey with me. 

108 days... Day 4

Tired with a busy weekend ahead.  Sometimes this journey is overwhelming. Of note, I think that these migraines are primarily sinus.  Not sure, since I seem to get them the most on Wednesdays but this one has lasted so long and as a result of my attempt here to be more aware, more present, and after long conversations with Jeff, embarking on a journey to be more healthy, to gain control of my health, our family's health, I am putting this on the forefront of my work list.  Health.  Because its worth it.  I'm worth it.  I'm a hell of a lot happier, nicer, and helpful to others when I am healthy.