I turned 33 last week. I went out to lunch with a dear friend the day before my birthday and had lunch with Jeff and some of the ladies from my class on Thursday. I got a ton of birthday wishes via facebook (see its not ALL bad) and cards, gifts and texts. I got to talk to family and friends and decided to really enjoy the week of my birthday, taking time to slow down and truly enjoy the conversations with people who so dedicatedly love me and support me. Birthday weekend I had an evening out with friends and then dinner at mi casa the next day.
I normally don't do a whole lot for my birthday. Its a busy time of year and stuff usually comes up. Sports seasons have started (both on TV and in real life), the school year is in full swing, I am back to working, shuttling kids and volunteering... in a word, we are BUSY!
This year wasn't much different, except.... well, I hurt my back. The weekend before my birthday. GASP! I was so upset. After teaching and then taking a yoga class last Tuesday I couldn't get out of bed. It hurt! So I had to take it easy.
Rather than stressing about what I couldn't get done (no computer work either- couldn't sit) I actually took the time to enjoy all the people in my life who dropped in, or shared a conversation, or called. And it was wonderful. Wednesday my back was feeling good enough to be a passenger but not a driver for a long lunch and an even longer conversation. Mostly not about me. Mostly just 2 friends talking. I needed that. I need that. In an era of multi tasking, frenzied lives, texting and emails, I need face time.
So hurting my back and a birthday lunch led me down a new path. Guess what? I realized some things. First, I realized how isolated and lonely so many people are. Alone surrounded by people. I am not usually one of those people, unless I choose to be. I am very blessed not to be. I am surrounded by love. Cheesy? Yes, absolutely. True, yes absolutely.
Second, I realized that I am so scared about how I am perceived, about whether or not people will like me, like what I teach, all of those self doubts, and I don't need to be. Why? Because all of a sudden it occurred to me (with some help- that's what friends are for, right?!) that there are so many people around me that DO like me, that DO accept me, that DO support me, and that they have been doing it for a very long time. I know a lot of people with lots of friends/acquaintances, who are in it for the popularity, and I have never been able to master the art of being popular. But what I know about myself is that most of the people I have been friends with it has been ongoing for years, if not decades. Every few years someone new gets added into the mix of people I would put my life on the line for, who would do that for me, who are tried and true best friends. The people I am loyal to, the ones I love and support no matter what, and the ones that do that for me.
I think that a lot of this stems from my family, and from the tribe I grew up in. Sometimes we create a life for ourselves, a community for ourselves, a tribe for ourselves, and sometimes we are born into that. Here in Texas, I am doing my best to create the community feeling that I have always known at home. But what I do have at home are inter-generational friendships. People whose grandparents and great grandparents came over on the boat together. People whose grandparents went to high school with mine, whose parents and uncles and aunts and cousins went to school with mine. people who have known me since I was a little kid, through all the turmoil and trouble of adolescence and those terrible teenage years. people who loved and liked and accepted me then.
And I am worried about whether or not people will like me now?! Seriously?! Quite honestly I think I am a lot more likable, if not lovable these days. I am certainly more approachable and probably not the least bit scary. I know I have more to offer the world. I am hands down more productive, less flighty, and a whole hell of a lot more honest and reliable.
So I realized all this, realized that some people have no one to call on when they need a friend, are lucky to count one or two good friends for a lifetime, and I have best friends in 3 states. I would do anything for the people I love. I know that feeling is reciprocal. Maybe part of it is that we have gone through hell together or at least share the same experiences and have come out better for it, have bonded fiercely over our own survival. But the bottom line is, the best thing I could have ever received for my birthday, I actually got. It was the realization that I am good enough, that people do like and love me, for me, and that they have for a very long time. And that I am good enough to be their friends, From this came the most amazing conclusion. I don't need more friends. I don't need people to like me. I already have my tribe. It sure makes it a lot easier to put myself out there now. Thanks for all the birthday love!
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friendship. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
108 Days... Day 7 cont.
Keep up or get left behind. Oh my goodness this is a powerful, controversial statement. Selfish, yes. True, yes. Have I been left behind, certainly. It ranks right up there with one of my go to mantras, "Go big or go home." I know, I know. I do have a competitive streak. Absolutely. I love to win. I love to be the best, or at least hang with the best. Bottom line, I actively seek the feeling of competence. And that's not bad. It can go too far, and keeping that competitive nature in check is certainly something I work with a lot.
But I coach 7 year olds at soccer. Fun, learning the game, being a team, all of that is more important than winning. And the secret is that all of that actually adds up to winning. We work on foundations. We practice. We have a blast on and off the field, while running and while taking breaks and eating popsicles. We support and love each other even when we make mistakes. We help players who are new, who are struggling. Wow. How can I incorporate that into the rest of my life? And where does my original statement come into play? Hmmm. Well, the players help each other keep up. And they SHOW UP! And they look out for each other so that no one gets left behind. But let me tell you, if there is a player who is straggling, who isn't playing up to par, who maybe has given up on them self, the team of the game, who isn't, dare I say it, keeping up, the TEAM lets them know. The others players bring it up. They encourage and support but they also are there to keep each other on their toes and to encourage each other to do their best.
Its not acceptable to give up. It isn't ok not to try. Even, especially, when its hard, it is not ok to give up. Its not ok to give up on myself. And sometimes, not giving up on myself is reflected in how I treat those close to me.
The other night I received a text. It could have ruined a friendship. I could have taken it as a sign of that, and cut off contact. It wouldn't be the first time I reacted that way, in this kind of situation. I could have taken it personally. I could have decided that I wasn't worth it. Or that she wasn't.
But I didn't. I didn't react in the way that is natural for me. I didn't respond with an f-u message. I just said, "I'll call you in a few." And guess what? That text was simply someone actually hanging that sign around her neck. Saying "I'm scared and feeling vulnerable, are you my friend?" Remember my post a few days ago about the signs I wished I could hang around my neck? ( Signs Link) Well she did! She had the courage to. How often have each one of us been there? I was there when I called her. I needed a friend as much as she did. I needed to call as much as she needed me to. We all need friends. I isolate when I am scared, or when life gets hard, or when I don't want to face whatever it is in front of me. Or when I am embarrassed. Or... Point being, I isolate.
Sometimes the people we love, the people who are closest to us, don't do what we want them to. Sometimes our lives move in different directions. I know this. I know that I can't keep people in my life that aren't good for me, that are too far from me, that take and never give. I know that its not giving up, its letting go. I know that in my head. My heart, it has a hard time letting go. It has a hard time telling those I am connected with to keep up or get left behind.
Sometimes I am the one who needs to keep up. I drag others down and they take the time to stop and carry me, to push me to my feet and get me moving again, so I can keep up. I strive to be that person for others, although I am learning how few that number can really be. I have to be the one to put my feet on the ground. To go forward, to move, to eventually, well, keep up. Not in a bad way, just in the way that life is. And guess what, sometimes people don't keep up. And you leave them behind. And sometimes I don't keep up, and I get left behind. But sometimes, sometimes, when you help someone, and they see where you are, they keep up. And sometimes, you realize that they haven't just kept up, they have found their own way. And its beautiful.
But I coach 7 year olds at soccer. Fun, learning the game, being a team, all of that is more important than winning. And the secret is that all of that actually adds up to winning. We work on foundations. We practice. We have a blast on and off the field, while running and while taking breaks and eating popsicles. We support and love each other even when we make mistakes. We help players who are new, who are struggling. Wow. How can I incorporate that into the rest of my life? And where does my original statement come into play? Hmmm. Well, the players help each other keep up. And they SHOW UP! And they look out for each other so that no one gets left behind. But let me tell you, if there is a player who is straggling, who isn't playing up to par, who maybe has given up on them self, the team of the game, who isn't, dare I say it, keeping up, the TEAM lets them know. The others players bring it up. They encourage and support but they also are there to keep each other on their toes and to encourage each other to do their best.
Its not acceptable to give up. It isn't ok not to try. Even, especially, when its hard, it is not ok to give up. Its not ok to give up on myself. And sometimes, not giving up on myself is reflected in how I treat those close to me.
The other night I received a text. It could have ruined a friendship. I could have taken it as a sign of that, and cut off contact. It wouldn't be the first time I reacted that way, in this kind of situation. I could have taken it personally. I could have decided that I wasn't worth it. Or that she wasn't.
But I didn't. I didn't react in the way that is natural for me. I didn't respond with an f-u message. I just said, "I'll call you in a few." And guess what? That text was simply someone actually hanging that sign around her neck. Saying "I'm scared and feeling vulnerable, are you my friend?" Remember my post a few days ago about the signs I wished I could hang around my neck? ( Signs Link) Well she did! She had the courage to. How often have each one of us been there? I was there when I called her. I needed a friend as much as she did. I needed to call as much as she needed me to. We all need friends. I isolate when I am scared, or when life gets hard, or when I don't want to face whatever it is in front of me. Or when I am embarrassed. Or... Point being, I isolate.
Sometimes the people we love, the people who are closest to us, don't do what we want them to. Sometimes our lives move in different directions. I know this. I know that I can't keep people in my life that aren't good for me, that are too far from me, that take and never give. I know that its not giving up, its letting go. I know that in my head. My heart, it has a hard time letting go. It has a hard time telling those I am connected with to keep up or get left behind.
Sometimes I am the one who needs to keep up. I drag others down and they take the time to stop and carry me, to push me to my feet and get me moving again, so I can keep up. I strive to be that person for others, although I am learning how few that number can really be. I have to be the one to put my feet on the ground. To go forward, to move, to eventually, well, keep up. Not in a bad way, just in the way that life is. And guess what, sometimes people don't keep up. And you leave them behind. And sometimes I don't keep up, and I get left behind. But sometimes, sometimes, when you help someone, and they see where you are, they keep up. And sometimes, you realize that they haven't just kept up, they have found their own way. And its beautiful.
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