108 Days... Day 7 cont.

Keep up or get left behind.  Oh my goodness this is a powerful, controversial statement.  Selfish, yes.  True, yes.  Have I been left behind, certainly.  It ranks right up there with one of my go to mantras, "Go big or go home."  I know, I know.  I do have a competitive streak.  Absolutely.  I love to win.  I love to be the best, or at least hang with the best.  Bottom line, I actively seek the feeling of competence. And that's not bad.  It can go too far, and keeping that competitive nature in check is certainly something I work with a lot. 

But I coach 7 year olds at soccer.  Fun, learning the game, being a team, all of that is more important than winning.  And the secret is that all of that actually adds up to winning.  We work on foundations.  We practice.  We have a blast on and off the field, while running and while taking breaks and eating popsicles.  We support and love each other even when we make mistakes.  We help players who are new, who are struggling.  Wow.  How can I incorporate that into the rest of my life?  And where does my original statement come into play?  Hmmm.  Well, the players help each other keep up.  And they SHOW UP!  And they look out for each other so that no one gets left behind.  But let me tell you, if there is a player who is straggling, who isn't playing up to par, who maybe has given up on them self, the team of the game, who isn't, dare I say it, keeping up, the TEAM lets them know.  The others players bring it up.  They encourage and support but they also are there to keep each other on their toes and to encourage each other to do their best.

Its not acceptable to give up.  It isn't ok not to try.  Even, especially, when its hard, it is not ok to give up. Its not ok to give up on myself.  And sometimes, not giving up on myself is reflected in how I treat those close to me.  

The other night I received a text.  It could have ruined a friendship. I could have taken it as a sign of that, and cut off contact.  It wouldn't be the first time I reacted that way, in this kind of situation.  I could have taken it personally.  I could have decided that I wasn't worth it.  Or that she wasn't. 

But I didn't.  I didn't react in the way that is natural for me.  I didn't respond with an f-u message.  I just said, "I'll call you in a few."  And guess what?  That text was simply someone actually hanging that sign around her neck.  Saying "I'm scared and feeling vulnerable, are you my friend?"  Remember my post a few days ago about the signs I wished I could hang around my neck? ( Signs Link) Well she did!  She had the courage to.  How often have each one of us been there? I was there when I called her.  I needed a friend as much as she did.  I needed to call as much as she needed me to.  We all need friends.  I isolate when I am scared, or when life gets hard, or when I don't want to face whatever it is in front of me.  Or when I am embarrassed.  Or... Point being, I isolate. 

Sometimes the people we love, the people who are closest to us, don't do what we want them to.  Sometimes our lives move in different directions.  I know this.  I know that I can't keep people in my life that aren't good for me, that are too far from me, that take and never give.  I know that its not giving up, its letting go.  I know that in my head.  My heart, it has a hard time letting go.  It has a hard time telling those I am connected with to keep up or get left behind. 

Sometimes I am the one who needs to keep up.  I drag others down and they take the time to stop and carry me, to push me to my feet and get me moving again, so I can keep up.  I strive to be that person for others, although I am learning how few that number can really be.  I have to be the one to put my feet on the ground.  To go forward, to move, to eventually, well, keep up.  Not in a bad way, just in the way that life is.  And guess what, sometimes people don't keep up.  And you leave them behind.  And sometimes I don't keep up, and I get left behind.  But sometimes, sometimes, when you help someone, and they see where you are, they keep up.  And sometimes, you realize that they haven't just kept up, they have found their own way.  And its beautiful.

108 Days... Day 6

Day 6

So if you know me at all, it will not surprise anyone that Day 6 is well, a few days after day 5.  I was going to try and catch up or back date stuff, but hey, this is about me, its about my own goals, insights and struggles.  So I'm putting it out there.

I struggle with consistency.  My whole life.  Not with focus, not with dedication or motivation, but with consistency.  Follow through.  Maybe its a fear of failure.  Maybe its laziness or  my ever present procrastination.  Perhaps it is the lack of self control I seem to possess.  I am not sure, but its something I am working on and exploring the root causes of so that I can overcome it.  Anyway, even if consistency for me isn't 108 days in a row, I am still committed.  And I am doing my best.  It might not be 108 consecutive days, as much as I want it to be, and as easy as that might seem for some people, but I am determined to finish this, to complete it, and to learn from it.

One of my goals has been to attend classes more regularly and I have been.  My goal is at least 3-5 classes I take a week, in addition to the ones I teach, observe or assist in.  Meditation, calming the monkey mind.  HA!  But even in this area I am starting to improve I think.  A regular meditation practice is what I strive for and I have actually made 2 Tuesday meditation classes in a row!  YAY!

I went to Mass on Sunday with the girls.  Albeit late.  However it was really a peaceful, joyful place to be.  It was just really nice and the girls behaved beautifully.  I got to spend Sunday afternoon with my family and some very beautiful yogis at the Free Day of Yoga Ft. Worth Kickoff.  The girls had been disastrous the day before, Jeff had been grumpy, it was still hot and we were just off.  So to have this beautiful Sunday was simply amazing.   I got to demo the class from well above the yogis on the lawn, so I had prime view to see how beautiful and amazing everyone was, how peaceful and intense and wonderful the entire day seemed then, and still seems in retrospect.  It was simply amazing.  Sivasana was well deserved and well, it was one of those that reminded me why I do yoga.  It was that yummy and I have been on a great yoga high (although totally sore from planks and warriors and chairs) ever since, that has faded but still lingers in a bit of a happy bliss, even with the migraine that just won't end.  Monday I got to be part of a free class at the studio teaching with 2 of my very fave people and it was awesome.  Totally beautiful, honest chant that melted my heart and brought me to tears.  The power and the love in that room was, well, it just was.  You had to be there.  Fortunately for me, I was.  Jeff was too.  My husband has been going out of his way to let me know he supports me.

So why the inconsistencies?  Is it because I am lazy?  Some days, yeah.  I certainly get bored and tire of things before I am done, and I have spent a lifetime leaving behind a disaster and letting others clean up the mess, both metaphorically and physically.  The irony in the is that now, I get to clean up after other people.   I wouldn't say I give up easily, because I certainly can be stubborn, but I do think I give up on myself, my own goals, projects and what not when they become boring or difficult, a lot easier than I have ever given up on my friends, family, the people I love the most and am so deeply loyal to.  I really don't give up on other people.  And maybe those other people are a distraction for me so I don't have to follow through on the commitments I make to myself.  So that i don't have to be accountable for and to myself.  Because it is in helping others that I catch an excuse for myself.  

Awareness.  It won't make me a bad friend.  In fact, I know that sometimes my "help" and my "saving" only gets in the way of anothers karma, of their own lessons, and then forces them to repeat their own suffering.  In this way, I am not being helpful at all, I am, instead, only adding to their pain.  What are my motivations behind what I do, and why and I helping? My own inability to look inward?  Guilt?  Control?  Or just because it needs to be done and I am willing and able to help.  Willing and able to lighten someone's load.

108 Days...Day 5

Ah what a day.  I think I think too much.  I know I do.  Its why I am spending this month reading and researching and teaching about the first chakra.  Because I need to be more grounded.  More focused.  Less worried about the popularity contest of life, less worried about the big picture, less worried about the time constraints and the (perceived) deadlines, less worried about failures pr the possiblility of and what...?
What exactly do I need to focus on, since I have painted a pretty clear picture to myself as to what I don't need to work on?
And where/when/how do I start?  (uh yeah, I am aware that I over analyze..)

 I need to focus on what is right in front of me.   In the simplicity of putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, in being present as I do.

I have been feeling uninspired since I decided to embark on this project.  A little aimless.  A little like after a summer away, a time of deepening my beliefs and discovering so much on a spiritual/grounded level, that, well, I am back in the rat race and its crazy and busy and my head hurts and, I feel a little lost again.  Really lonely in the chaos that is, yet surrounded by other people.  Like a lot of my flaws are out on display.  Afraid.  It's all kind of yucky.

Sometimes I wish I had a sign around my neck that told people to  

please be nice I am having a hard day and sometimes my life really is super hard and I am doing my best to deal, and can't you please just give me a break.   

or   

Can't you understand that this IS my best?   

or   

Inside my heart it hurts and I struggle, please don't be mean to me 

or

I need help, please.  

or even

I'm sorry.  I'm having a hard time and I am absorbed it my own problems.  I don't mean to make yours worse for you. 

DAMN IT I want to be the person who takes that into account for other people.  I am going to work on remembering that we can't always see the signs other people are wearing.  Or maybe we can, and we should take the time to read them and respond. 

Sometimes its  hard.  I know, I know, hard for everyone and that knowlege gets me on some pity pot about how I have no right to feel bad because there is always someone who has had it worse and.. that issue is just gonna have to wait for another day. Back to my point.  Sometimes its hard, and today was one of those days.

I was excited.  Really really hoping and expecting a wonderful day.  Class this morning was fun to teach, group was great, and then I went home to pick up the kiddos.  Ha!  And there it begins.  Girls are exhausted from school and the ensuing social/academic/musical/athletic schedule (when the temps have been over 100 forever) that follows our lackadaisical summer travels.  Let's face it, I am too.  And it makes us cranky.  Plus I haven't been feeling good, and I know I'm not the only one.

Free Day of Yoga, Dallas Kickoff.  Beautiful yogis, instructors, vibe, loved taking pics there.  Awesome my family decided to trek downtown with me to enjoy the museums, the yoga, the day as a family.  D cries because she can't get her face painted.  And pouts. C antagonizes.  Jeff isn't feeling the zen vibe by the time... Delaney falls?! in the fountain.  Yeah seriously.  Its not a kids play in the fountain kind of fountain, either.  And now she is even more upset and, point being, it was time to head.  Over and out.  Except it just continued.  One of those days, and at least 3 of us had cried and then...then...

Both kids were in bed.  Jeff and I were talking about someone's fb post, their rant about smiling people and that the world is really awful and that a lot of people are living in ignorance and then...Jeff said, "But when you smile you get more prana, right?"  Wait what?  Because he heard that in MY class.  He actually paid attention and takes it seriously enough to process it and apply it?  Wait what?  How amazingly cool.  Because I know he supports me, but, that's different that taking it in and applying it to himself, to his own beliefs and life. I am not doing this just for me.  I'm doing it so I can help other people find their own way, too.  I'm doing it for the people closest to me.  And I love that he is on this journey with me. 

108 days... Day 2

My Plan:  Get up and get the kids off to school.  Meditate outside on my bench while its still cool for 15 minutes.  Blog about it, get in the shower, and kick butt today- all before 9.

My reality:  Woke up with a migraine.  Wednesdays are my least favorite day of the week.  Seriously.  Its the hardest day to get up for, the hardest, longest work day and quite honestly, Wednesday migraines are not uncommon.  Uggg.

So anyway I woke up and felt like crap.  Was grumpy with the girls, who also were not feeling on top of the world this morning.  Not a mom of the year morning for sure.  And feeling bad about me starting their day off crappy too.  Anyway, after wasting an hour playing on the computer I finally decided it was time to go outside and meditate.  And it was hot and after 3 cups of coffee (rough morning, I told ya) my mind was racing and it wasn't  meditating.  I was sad sitting there missing my tree and my lovely meditation garden and it just overwhelmed me.  I totally miss my tree and the refuge it provided and the years I spent creating it.  

I am realizing how connected I am to the earth.  I know we all are, really, but I feel it so deeply, I am so AWARE of it..  And that's a good thing.  While the Wednesday migraines could very well be stress related, a lot of times, I get really bad headaches as the weather changes.  Which sucks, but honestly its kind of cool to be so aware of pressure changes in the atmosphere.  And to be in touch with the plants and the animals and the trees (besides having permanently labeled myself as a hippy with that last statements)  I love that about myself.  I love that last night the sunset was so beautiful that when I got home I dragged C out of the house and we ran down the street barefoot to catch the view as it was disappearing.  She was complaining the whole way and then just stopped and it was freakin amazing- both the sunset and her instant awestruck silence!

I don't think of myself as being an overly happy or optimistic person.  I don't really believe that most people will follow the inherent good inside themselves, only that they have it and that if a few people do, the world is a better place.  But what I do know, is that most of my life I felt like I had a black cloud hanging over my head.  I never really felt at peace, and enjoyable moments weren't truly happy as my mind was somewhere else.  I felt numb when I didn't feel pain.  I guess that's depression and anxiety (mental issues I'll save for another post tho) and time and time again I addressed them I thought and if it helped, it was only temporary and then I slid back into the dark abyss of either depression or addiction or both, as they fueled each other.

It would get better and then the bottom would fall out.  So when things were good, I always felt scared that it was temporary and that it would be awful soon.

And that is true.  Every time it gets too easy, it gets hard.  Such is life, and I am aware of that now.  What is different is the ability I have gained to accept and acknowlege this and yet, still be ok.  Mental, emotional and spiritual health, and physical health, are all things I actually have to work really hard on to maintain.  But now, I know that.  I can let myself slide, but it seems like lately I don't let myself slide very far.  Because bottom line, as hard as my life can be at times, as broke as I am some weeks (hello I had to buy tampons with change yesterday- seriously embarrassing!)  my life doesn't suck.  My marriage doesn't suck, although we have had our struggles and we are both certainly difficult people.  Being a mom doesn't suck and I don't get up each day with a sense of dread that I will fail as a mom, or that I can't do it.  I appreciate my health, my body, my teeth, so much because I have been so sick for extended periods of time.

Basically, what I see in my own life is that I have made progress.  Enormous huge leaps forward.  Most of the time, I still see all the work that lies ahead, all the stuff I need to do or fix or the habits I need to change or my flaws.  But today, I am going to focus on where I am at.  Here is some progress...


My house may not be spotless (far from) but it can be cleaned up enough for people to come visit in a couple hours and could be deep cleaned and spiffed up in a day or two (not on the to do list tho :-).  Progress is that Jeff and I both have some hoarder tendencies and there was a time frame of a couple years, maybe more,  when he went through interferon and then when I got sick that our house was so full of junk and so behind on laundry and cleaning and everything that NO ONE was ever invited over or even allowed in.  It was gross, embarrassing, depressing, tragic.  The irony is that now I clean 2 buildings and help people clean up their lives.  Karma.

I have some rockin muscles and can do awesome yoga poses.  I am however kept humble by the fact that for the most part, I don't practice in the classes we do all those complicated poses, I practice with a bunch of real world people and some ladies who are old enough to be my mom, sometimes older, and are so freaking strong and agile and beautiful that I always leave class recommitted to the basics, and to the need to work on my foundation.  Yup still working on the foundation.  Not just in yoga, in life.  It never really turned out well when I didn't. 

And here is what is so cool about those muscles and that handstand I just learned how to do:  A few years ago, I was so sick that I couldn't leave the house for a year and a half.  The vertigo was so severe that standing up made me nauseous.  I couldn't drive, I couldn't even walk the 2 blocks to the elementary school.  I couldn't be a mom.  I couldn't cook, I couldn't even eat anything,  I couldn't be supportive, I couldn't really live.  I wondered if I was going to die, the doctors wondered if I was going to die, and the er staff knew me because they had to give me iv's to hydrate me so often.  Sometimes I forget what that was like.  I feel so guilty about it because I couldn't be the mom my kids needed, but damn look at me now.

Its not really that I feel like an athlete again (not just from yoga, but from everything- I love that feeling) its that I can cook and eat, I have a beautiful smile because to save my life, I had to get all my teeth fixed.  (1 surgery and another one scheduled on my stomach and they finally figured out what I had been saying all along- that it was my ears- and the source of the chronic ear infections that caused vertigo, which made me nausous and all throw up-y and stuff was from my teeth... its a whole long story of how that was discovered and I'll write that one down later- but it was a miracle for sure.)  I learned to trust my intuition when it comes to my body because I knew all along what was wrong with me and discounted myself because the doctors were sure it was something else.  And I can be a mom.  I can show up and I can be there.  Not perfectly, not all the time, but I do appreciate that and I hope my kiddos know that I treasure the ability to be involved in their lives like I am.  I can be a wife.  I get mad at J for not helping me more with the kids and the house, but how easily I forget that for 13 months he couldn't even function as he went through interferon (yet for most of that time he still maintained his job to support his family) and before he could even recover from that, I got sick and all of our life's responsibilities were forced onto him.  We are so much further along that we ever have been before.  We have made progress. 

So once again, today, I am going to be grateful that the progress I have made, with the help and support of my husband, my children, my family and my very close and dear friends; and marvel that I am here, and that I have amazing people in my life who love me and support me in spite of me.  And who aren't going to be scared by reading these posts from the brain of Bridget because they already either know me better than I think they do, or they just love me and don't care.  I am following my dreams.  I am loved.  I am a good mom.  I am even making a little money these days doing what I love and a little more doing what I don't love, but what I don't hate either.   Today.